It's the Silence that Kills

It was all one-sided. It always had been and, he feared, it always would be.

The love; though thick and sweet as it swirled about his dark eyes, those peircing red and black ones remained hallow. The cuddling; while his thin arms found their home around the older man and his face nuzzled up to his collar bone, the bassist never raised a finger to return it. The kisses; he'd nearly given up anything but the occasional peck as it was like trying to kiss a statue. Forever emotionless, unresponsive and cold.

A single thing kept the singer from giving up altogether, and that was the fact that he hadn't been rejected. He'd been aloud to do just about anything and Murdoc didn't say or do anything to stop him. Of course he did nothing to encourage him either.

Stuart was starting to fear that the man was going to forever ignore him, his love and his physical affection. At first he didn't think it was going to last -the inactivity on Murdoc's part- but as time went on, things started to leave  him feeling more and more hallow. He didn't like it.

He kept up appearences, of course. The happy, innocent, oblivious front he forever put on to keep the peace and be sure his friends didn't worry.. yet he oftentimes wished there was someone, anyone, that could see past it.. to tell him how he trully felt, as he himself could not.

2D could, however, do that for other people. He was forever aware of how his bandmates felt and, if given the chance, would tell you how just about anyone was feeling at any particular moment. Oh, but never himself. He simply couldn't.

Perhaps he didn't want to know.

Parhaps the boy didn't want to have to face the fact that everything in him simply wanted to give up on his heart and leave Murdoc. It wasn't as though he was getting any of the love he spilled out onto the older back. Hell, he wasn't even sure if it was being acknowleged at all.. but he wasn't about to give up. He couldn't.

He'd tried on many occasions to bring the subject up, but Murdoc would do as he always did and stare rigth through him like he didn't exsist. Each little thing -ignoring him here, brushing past a hug there- drove a small prick into the singer's heart. They were accumulating at an alarming rate and he knew if he didn't do something soon that he'd bleed out before he, or Murdoc, had the chance to do anything about it.

~+O+~+O+~+O+~

It was a groggy evening at Kong, not unlike any other, even in the fact that Noodle was secluded in her room with her games, Russel was blaring music and Murdoc was sitting bored in the livingroom with 2D searching for him. When, at last, the singer stumbled upon his mate, he grinned and trotted around the couch.

"'eya Muds~!" He chimed; met with a cold silence that he inwardly shuddered at. Murdoc had been nicer to him before.. when he'd at least reply with an insult of sorts. It was better then this silence- one the lad had quickly grown to despise with all his being.

He plunked down on Murdoc's lap, almost automatically, and glanced at his expression. Unreadable with a vacant stare at the tv. He swallowed. "So.. wotcha wotchin'?" 2D inquired, though his tone conveyed that he wasn't expecting any sort of response.

What seemed to Stuart to be an eternity passed and found the two still sitting on the couch; unmoving and unresponsive. 2D had his thin arms around Murdoc's neck and head nesteled beneath his chin while the bassist, as always, simply stared at the tv with the remote in one hand and a fag in the other.

Stuart yawned, snuggling closer to Murdoc sleepily. He hesitated a moment longer before drawing away from the warm chest and offering a tired smile. "'m 'eadin' off ta bed, Muds. G'night 'n ah love yeh." He pecked Murdoc's lips and stood up, waiting until he was out of sight to let the disappointed pain seep into his features.

It was slowly but surely killing him on the inside.. what had he done to upset the bassist so much? Did he simply not like him? Did he have something against 2D but not his love or his touch? Was he... was he being shy?

2D dismissed this thought as he trailed down the stairs to his room. His eyes shut tightly as he flopped down on his bed, seeking relief from the suffocating darkness his bedroom held. Sleep was the only comfort he had anymore... and even that seemed to enjoy eluding him.

~+O+~+O+~+O+~

Murdoc groaned, rubbing at his face as he turned off the telly and heaved himself to his feet. He could still feel the lingering warmth of the scrawny boy and tried to will it away. He couldn't live like this.. all the pain he caused the boy came back to him tenfold and his cold, black heart was begining to give-way.

Murdoc Niccals.. crumbling under something as stupid as the pressure of love. It was aggervating, irrational and an overall disgrace to his name. A Niccals wasn't supposed to fall in love, they were supposed to shag and forget the bird by morning.

That and he couldn't bear to touch the lad. All he'd ever successfully done to him was inflict pain and he knew that habits like that were hard, if not impossible, to break. Murdoc simply wouldn't be able to live with the knowledge that what had started out as a gentle hug lead to a broken arm and innumerable bruises on the singer's part.

He knew all too well where that hug could end up, if not with broken bones, and... Murdoc was aware of how out of hand he could get when it came to sex. He would never dare to do anything that could lead to that with the singer- his singer. Of course it seemed he lived to hurt the younger lad, but he would never hurt him that much.

Never.

Yet he watched as the boy, day by day, week by week, month by month, withered away; both emotionally and physically. When he first met 2D, calling the boy thin was an understatement, but since then he'd lost almost a quarter of his weight. A light breeze would be enough to toss him about like a peice of paper..

And that heart.. as big as could be. The loving looks Stuart gave him seemed to contain more passion then any five people would be able to show. He noticed, though. He knew how much pain was contained behind the fading joy and love that the singer forever displayed. It sickened him.

How was it none of the others ever seemed to notice? 2D seemed downright suicidal with all that guilt, fear and heart-break in his eyes, and yet neither Russel or Noodle had ever even remotely seemed to notice or care. There was so much obvious pain there...

2D didn't deserve to feel this way.

And Murdoc didn't deserve him.

Regardless, 2D went right on loving him and Murdoc ignoring him. What else could he do? It was all too confusing in the bassist's eyes... Like some sort of scheme. Why would Stu, of all people, choose someone as mean and bitter as he? And stick by them for ten years, no less?

Stu deserved someone real- someone true- someone who'd return his love; someone on the opposite end of the spectrum from Murdoc. He was nothing of what the boy wanted, yet he couldn't seem to chase him off. He'd tried, even making his point quite blunt that he wanted nothing to do with the azure-headed man, yet it only seemed to hurt both of them to the point of making his complaints hallow and 2D's belief nill.

Murdoc let out a heavy  sigh as he neared the carpark, already knowing what he'd be greeted with. A quiet sobbing, heavily muffled by the singer's cement room yet enhanced by the stairwell. It was quiet yet wrenching, confused yet heart-shattered.. it was something Murdoc couldn't handle listening to.

He hurried across the carpark to his 'bago, slamming the door closed with unneeded force as though the echoing of the slam would silence the haunting sobs... no such luck for him tonight. Murdoc huffed, trying to drown his emotions in anger as he collapsed onto his bed and prepared to go to sleep.

~+O+~+O+~+O+~

All was not well on Plastic Beach. Though the night was  calm, the waves sleepy and the sky filled with stars, the emotional turmoil eminating from the deep-sea landfill was downright murderous. It was silent; not the serene silence everyone hopes to one day encounter, but the thick, deathly silence that follows a long-awaited question no one wants to answer.

"Pwease... pwease tell me... 've waited yea's, Mu'doc... pwease.." 2D was hardly whispering as he looked mournfully between the bassist's eyes. He had to know. He simply couldn't take it any longer. He had to know why it was Murdoc refused to return his affections, yet refused likewise to push him away.

Murdoc, for the first time in such a terribly long time, returned the singer's gaze with real, heartfelt emotions glistening in them. 2D, never having dreamt this in years previous, gasped. Murdoc was... he was just as afraid. Just as confused. Just as hurt. Just as in love...

"Ah.. ah can', Stu.." He replied quietly, feeling the singer's grasp on his shoulders tighten. They were seated in one of the red-velvet chairs in the study; 2D in his lap as was per-usual. Murdoc nearly cringed as tears tried to force their way into 2D's eyes.

"..w-why...?" The singer was fighting back the salty offenders, wanting anything but to cry in front of this man. He'd managed, in all the years they'd known each other, to never spill a tear in front of him, but now...

"I's no' yew, Stua't.. i's no' 'n please dun' t'ink dat, mate..." Mate. A word that'd felt nearly foreign on his tongue. He hadn't called anyone -much less 2D- mate in a long time.

"Den wot? Wot is i'?" Stuart asked with sudden strength, willing down the innumerable things he wanted to say. Of course it was him. Why else would Murdoc have gone so bloody long without doing something?

Murdoc seemed slightly taken aback. "Me.. ah'm... ah'm afwaid, 'D. Da's all.." It was the singer's turn to look taken aback, as afraid wasn't a word he thought was in Murdoc's vocabulary.

"Y-yewr.. afwaid...??"

"Ah dun' wonta 'urt yew, Stu.. no' anymo'e den ah alwready 'ave.. yeh gotta unde'stand, mate." He pleaded, his hands tensing ont he arms of the chair as he tried not to reach for him. Murdoc's hands were good for two things- violence and sex. What 2D was looking for was love, and that was not something Murdoc was wired to be able to do.

"Muds," he started quietly, the tears growing in the corners of his eyes.

"Ah love yeh, Stua't.. wif all ah go' in meh ah love yeh.. dun' eve' doubt dat." The words came out thick with all the  love he'd been shoving away in times previous and it pushed the singer over the edge. He held tight to Murdoc, burying his face against Murdoc's shoulder and sobbing.

He'd waited years to hear those words and was fully convinced he'd die without ever knowing what was wrong...

"Ah love yew too, Mu'doc..! Ah love yew so bloody much.." Stu whimpered, eyes shut tight as he clung desperately to the older. His heart was pounding from the all the sudden realizations and answers and his head was sent spinning away from him.

Then, something happened that neither had expected. Regardless of all the thing that'd been shared within the last few minutes, this still seemed rather unlikely.

Murdoc's arms encircled the singer's thin back and he held him tight. 2D only sobbed harder, feeling incredibly loved and surprised. It was all so.. so amazing. That after all this time, Murdoc could finally convince himself to tell the lad. And, because both were frightened by the thought of losing this long in the making progression in their relationship, they stayed that way for a long time.